Tiny Mirrors

It is amazing to see parts of yourself reflected in a tiny human being. At times, it is terrifying — “where did they learn that?!” Most of the time, it is just pretty humbling.

If I think about it, the aspects of my daughter’s behavior that really get under my skin are the things inside myself I am still working on. For example, her propensity to feel things very strongly and subsequently be ruled by those feelings, fueling bouts of stubbornness, can drive me up a wall. Now I think this is actually due to a couple of reasons.

First, I am the adult and I have to make the decisions and have the tiny humans follow directions. She should listen to me! So, pride.

Second, it is often inconvenient to sit with a young child in their feelings. It forces me to let go of my agenda and to be patient. It requires me to do my own internal work to maintain a sense of calm — and have you ever done that while being yelled at or hit? It is not for the faint of heart.

Because effectively helping a child work through their emotions means we have to act as the container. We have to provide a safe space for them to feel and express. But we also have to hold our boundaries and find ways to keep them safe within those fence lines.

Here is what I mean. The other day, my daughter requested a tuna sandwich and chips for lunch. I told her it was not on the menu today as we had just had sandwiches and chips, but we could do tuna on crackers. This was an unacceptable answer and she completely lost her cool. Screaming, crying, throwing herself on the floor. It was a major meltdown.

Now at this point, I had a couple of options. For one, I could throw my hands in the air and say “fine, we will eat sandwiches! Get off the floor!” Or I could try and placate her with some of what she wants — “you can have chips!” Or, I could just hold my boundary and be a safe space as she works through her disappointment.

I chose option three. Why? Well, first, we are working on combating some picky eating and the biggest way to do that is increase variety. So, we don’t have the same thing two days in a row if I can help it. I am the parent, so I make that choice and sometimes it is not a fun one to stick by, but again — I am the parent.

But the biggest reason I held my ground is because when my daughter becomes completely lost in her emotions, pushes back on anything I say, and refuses to follow general guidelines for how we behave, it then becomes my job to be her anchor. It becomes important for me to help her feel safe, to find her calm again, and to learn how to work through tough feelings in an appropriate manner.

Have you ever been overwhelmed by a feeling? So angry you see red? Or so sad you want to sink into the floor and disappear? Okay, so imagine you feel that way but do not have the life experience to know it will pass or understand what is an acceptable way to express that emotion. That is a little tiny human having a temper tantrum. Wild, y’all.

Or imagine it this way. Imagine a sheep running around in a field. There is a cliff nearby but the sheep is not sure where. They smell new things and see strange things, so they keep running around. How are they going to stay safe?

Now, give them a shepherd. Someone who will herd them, lead them down the right path, protect them from predators, and keep them from the cliff. Who will gently (or sometimes not so gently) nudge them in the right direction.

Similarly, as parents, we act as shepherds to show our kids were the “cliffs” are. We have to help them learn how to safely feel and express their emotions. Spoiler alert: this means we have to do the work ourselves first to know how to feel and express those emotions.

We also have to manage our own internal world, so that we can teach them to trust our word. Can you imagine if you learned that every time you threw a fit, someone changed their mind? One, you would probably use that a lot in the world to the detriment of your relationships. And two, you would learn not to trust what people say as truth. You would never know what to expect from other people or the world.

So, that takes us back to the tuna lunch. I made the lunch I had planned as my eldest continued to scream and protest. I continued to verbally reassure her that it was okay to be disappointed and angry. I told her I could tell she was hungry and tired and would probably feel better after eating something. I informed her we could have sandwiches the next day.

And when she continued to scream and refuse to eat, I just sat next to her in the living room and waited. I asked if she wanted a hug, and again, I waited. Eventually, she came for a hug and I held her for a while, as she tried calming her body down — which means I also intentionally slowed my own breathing and encouraged her to try with me.

In those moments, I acted as a shepherd. Every time she tried running down the path to the cliff, I stayed steady and showed her the safe path instead. I tapped into my own patience and empathy and remained available.

One more note about this kind of situation — being available. It is very easy to shut down or pull away when our littles feel big things. I think it can be triggering, it can be overwhelming, and it can just be the straw on the camel’s back that day. But remaining available and present through those big emotions is critical, because I really believe that we have to show our children that feelings don’t have to be scary — that they can be lived through, they can be managed, and that there are healthy ways to deal with them.

Throughout all of this, my goal is to remain a safe and trustworthy space. Am I going to fail? Am I going to have days when I cannot keep my cool, when I don’t provide the best space for my daughters to feel their feelings? One hundred percent. But! I am going to keep showing up. I am going to keep doing the internal work to be better every day. And that’s all we can do right now.

How do you handle your littles’ big feelings? What does it bring up for you? How would you have wanted the adults in your life to show up in those moments?