Emotional Power

What if we used our emotions? Instead of letting emotions use us?

I don’t want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.

This quote from Oscar Wilde captures an important truth - emotions don’t just happen to us. They are part of the tapestry of our human experience, and can act as sources of information and empowerment. We do not need to fear them or avoid them. We do not need to be ruled by them. Rather, we can let them ebb and flow and use them to be active participants in our own lives.

Sadness can tell us when something is missing. Fear can tell us when we need to make changes. Anger can tell us we need space. Joy can tell us we are safe.

So, again, I ask - what if we used our emotions? What would happen if we saw the whole spectrum of feeling as offering something to us to enrich our lives and help us grow? What if instead of running from emotions that make us uncomfortable, we leaned into those emotions?

Our emotions are not our identity. They are not static or the whole of who we are. Yes, they can be suffocating at times, but you know deep in your gut that it will change. All of those times you felt overwhelming sadness or joy or anger? Eventually…well, you didn’t feel that way anymore.

You are not how you feel.

You are not sad, but you feel sad. You are not overwhelmed, but you feel overwhelmed. Do you hear how just changing the way we speak about emotions changes the way they can operate in our life? Emotions are real but they are not the whole of reality and perhaps more importantly, they are not forever. In fact, if we put the feelings we experience in their proper place, they can offer us insight and the opportunity to grow, rather than owning us. Of course this is a process and we need tools - especially if there are layers of mental illness, trauma, and pain. The first step is to turn around and face the feeling.

Let’s be real though…dealing with our feelings can be uncomfortable, especially the more unpleasant ones. However, we end up dealing with more problems trying to change or ignore those feelings than if we try to learn how to understand them. But, as we know from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), you cannot actually change your emotions. You see, there are three things that are going to influence how you experience a situation - your emotions, your thoughts, and your actions. Your emotions are not something that you can specifically change - you can’t just will yourself to be happy or sad or whatever - but you can change your thoughts or your actions.

Let’s use a silly example. If I accidentally smashed my hand with a hammer, I am going to feel pain and probably some anger. First, both of those things give me some information. I am in pain because I am physically hurt and I am angry because I feel incompetent. Now, I cannot just tell myself to not feel angry. And if I just stand there, ruminating on the fact that I smashed my hand…well sure, eventually I will feel less pain and anger, but I am going to be in it for a while. But, if I change my actions - I move to get ice, I call someone for help - the way I am feeling is going to change (both mentally and physically, in this case). I am using the information I gathered from my emotions to do something about it. If I also address what I am thinking about, like maybe about how I can be more careful next time or how kind the person helping me is, I can unlock more potential to change how I feel. I am not just sitting in my anger and pain, I am taking steps to change the situation and therefore change the associated emotions.

We are not victims of our emotions. We have the choice and the power to understand our emotions. We have the ability to make changes. And this is what we can teach our littles - emotions will come and go, but we have power in what we do with them and how we handle them. Why do you think distracting children when they get hurt or upset can help mitigate the meltdown? Or why is it important to help name emotions for our littlest kiddos when they are starting to meltdown? It’s basic CBT principles at work. First, you need to identify the emotion (because if you don’t know what you are feeling, it can be difficult to do anything about it) and the action or thought attached to it, and then when you work to change the action or thought, the changing emotion follows.

The biggest breakthrough for myself was recognizing and accepting the fact that anxiety is a feeling I experience on a daily basis. Sometimes it is a helpful feeling as anxiety can alert us to danger. However, most of the time, I am not feeling anxious because I am actually in danger - instead I may feel worried or sad or overwhelmed.

But I feel those things as anxiety because my brain and body are unfortunately wired to perceive threats all the time, more so than other people. By accepting that the presence of some degree of anxiety is a consistent part of my experience, I have been able to gain tools to manage it and to not be ruled by it. It no longer defines who I am, but gives me information to be proactive in identifying and addressing the underlying emotions.

As a parent to a preschooler who feels things very intensely, my goal right now is to use the things I have learned to help her learn to ride her emotions. A piece of that is just being present as much as I am able. Being alone with our emotions is sometimes the hardest part.

Another piece of that though is helping her start to see that what she thinks about and what she does has an effect. Like when we are getting ready to sleep and she tells me all the scary things she is afraid to dream about. Those moments, I try to help her think about the things she would like to dream about. I am trying to show her she does have some control over her own mind and heart.

It’s the same principle I try to use with myself. Instead of ruminating on why my spouse has angered me, I can try to understand why I feel angry, consider how I want to address it, then shift my thoughts to that of gratitude and at least dull the edge of any lingering anger.

So accept the fact that you are going to feel.

Accept the fact that your littles are going to feel.

And when those emotions rise up, instead of jumping to “fix” them, look at them. Really examine what is going on. What are the emotions washing over you (or your littles) telling you about the situation?

If we can master this process, I believe that emotions lose their power over us, and instead start to offer power to us. Because then we gain knowledge, we gain tools, and we help shape a more emotionally healthy generation. We become proactive in how we address those uncomfortable emotions and learn to truly move forward.

What would you need to embrace this idea of emotional ebb and flow? Is the concept of changing thoughts and actions instead of emotions new for you?